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[the kids in class, including a new girl, see Ms. Garrison arriving, not too happy to teach them evolution]
Ms. Garrison: All right, kids, it is now my job to teach you the theory of evolution.
Butters: Oh boy!
Ms. Garrison: Now I, for one, think evolution is a bunch of *bullcrap*! But I've been told I have to teach it to you anyway. It was thought up by Charles Darwin and it goes something like this...
[she goes up to a large poster of evolution and begins pointing things out with her pointer]
Ms. Garrison: In the beginning, we were all fish. Okay? Swimming around in the water. And then one day a couple of fish had a retard baby, and the retard baby was different, so it got to live. So Retard Fish goes on to make more retard babies, and then one day, a retard baby fish crawled out of the ocean with its...
[she waves her left hand limply]
Ms. Garrison: ...mutant fish hands... and it had butt sex with a squirrel or something and made this.
[she points to a prehistoric mammal rodent]
Ms. Garrison: Retard frog-sqirrel, and then *that* had a retard baby which was a... monkey-fish-frog... And then this monkey-fish-frog had butt sex with that monkey, and that monkey had a mutant retard baby that screwed another monkey... and that made you!
[she faces the class, with the new girl among them looking around]
Ms. Garrison: So there you go! You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt sex with a fish-squirrel! Congratulations!
Cartman: [impatient for a Nintendo Wii, hops out of his chair and leaves the room, shouting] Haahhh! I can't take it anymore! Haaaaah!
Ms. Garrison: [thinking Cartman understands evolution] Yeah? You see? I *knew* that would happen.
[the angry Triscotti parents, with their disturbed daughter, are discussing about evolution in Principal Victoria's office with Ms. Garrison]
Mr. Triscotti: Principal Victoria, we are a devout Catholic family! Do you mind telling me why my daughter now thinks she's a retarded fish-frog?
Ms. Garrison: [angry] I told you this would happen, didn't I?
Principal Victoria: Mr. Triscotti, I wasn't aware that...
Mr. Triscotti: We have worked years to instill the teachings of Jesus Christ into our daughter, and in one fell swoop, you try to destroy everything we did!
Ms. Garrison: I hear ya!
Principal Victoria: Sir, if you don't wish your daughter to learn about evolution, then we can pull her out of class.
Mr. Triscotti: You most certainly will!
Girl: But Dad, I want to learn everything!
Mr. Triscotti: No you don't! Shut up!
[he and his wife take their daughter and leave the room]
[Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey are counseling Ms. Garrison to teach the kids evolution]
Ms. Garrison: [with her back to the principal's desk] Principal Victoria, it is wrong! It is wrong and I simply will not do it!
[she walks back to the desk]
Ms. Garrison: I care about my students, and I will not fill their heads with lies!
[she pounds on the desk for emphasis]
Ms. Garrison: [shouts] I am *not* teaching evolution in my class!
Principal Victoria: Mrs. Garrison, evolution is in the school curriculum. We have to teach it.
Ms. Garrison: Evolution is a theory! A hare-brained theory that says I'm a monkey! I am not a monkey! I'm a woman!
Mr. Mackey: M'kay. Y-you realize evolution has been pretty much, uh, proven.
Ms. Garrison: I warn you, Principal Victoria! Those students are not prepared to hear this stuff!
Principal Victoria: Our students want to learn, Mrs. Garrison, and they're mature enough to handle anything.
[Richard Dawkins, a substitute teacher, has the children take notes about evolution]
Richard Dawkins: [in a scholarly voice] Over billions of years life has evolved from simple one-celled organisms into all the complex life we see around us.
Ms. Garrison: Whatever.
Richard Dawkins: [glances over, then continues] It was changes in hereditary traits that allowed the first mammals to breathe in the air.
Ms. Garrison: [relating Dawkins' points to her own] Retarded fish-frogs.
Richard Dawkins: [a bit shocked] Ms. Garrison, I believe that's a gross over-simplification.
Ms. Garrison: Well, you're a faggot!
[the look of shock returns to Dawkins]
Ms. Garrison: Continue.
Richard Dawkins: You see, children, life has the amazing ability to change, to adapt. Like changing us to the point that we walk upright.
Ms. Garrison: So you *are* saying that we're all related to monkeys!
Richard Dawkins: [puts the chalk in the holder below the blackboard] Well, yes, basically, we are.
Ms. Garrison: Do you see monkeys at the zoo? They crap in their hands and throw it at people!
Richard Dawkins: Ms. Garrison, this isn't theory, it is scientific fact!
Ms. Garrison: What about the fact that if I believe in this crap, you're gonna go to hell? Doesn't that bother you a little?
Richard Dawkins: Actually, no. Because I'm an atheist.
Ms. Garrison: [rises and walks up to him] Aha! I've got you, you snake-in-the-grass! I found you out!
Richard Dawkins: I never covered it up.
Ms. Garrison: [shouts] And if I'm a monkey, then I might as well *act* like a monkey, huh?
[she acts like a monkey with monkey noises, then pulls down her pants and craps out her butt]
Richard Dawkins: [shocked] What on earth are you doing?
Ms. Garrison: Don't ask me, I'm a fuckin' monkey!
[she grabs her own feces and throws it at Dawkins, who screams in disgust]
[Richard Dawkins continues teaching evolution, with Ms. Garrison looking quite enamored]
Richard Dawkins: You must understand, children, that we are dealing with very large numbers here.
Ms. Garrison: [thinks] That's my man.
Richard Dawkins: So, evolution doesn't even happen by chance. It is, in fact, bound to happen.
Ms. Garrison: That's right, kids. And so you see, there is no God.
Richard Dawkins: Careful, darling. The school board doesn't like it when we...
Stan: Well, there could still be a God.
Ms. Garrison: [surprised] What?
Stan: Couldn't evolution be the answer to how and not the answer to why?
Ms. Garrison: [brings out a triangle and starts ringing it] Uh oh, retard alert! Retard alert, class!
[she leaves her desk and walks up to Stan's]
Ms. Garrison: Do you believe in a flying spaghetti monster too, bubblehead?
Stan: I wasn't talking about spaghetti.
[Ms. Garrison picks him up, desk and all, and carries him to the front of the class]
Ms. Garrison: Come on, you! You're gonna have to sit in the dunce chair!
[sets him down next to the blackboard and crowns him with a dunce cap that says, "I have faith"]
[Ms. Garrison and Dawkins are in bed; she runs her fingers through his chest hair]
Richard Dawkins: Ms. Garrison, I'm not so sure what you did today in class was right.
Ms. Garrison: What? But Dick, you told me the world would be a better place without religion.
Richard Dawkins: Yes, but to be so bold about it...
[he looks away]
Richard Dawkins: I've just never seen a woman with such... balls.
Ms. Garrison: [sits on Dawkins with the blanket over her chest] You've just been too soft on religious people in the past. Think about it, Richard. With your intellect and my balls, we can change the future of the world.
Richard Dawkins: Can you imagine a world with no religion? No Muslims killing Jews, no Christians bombing abortion clinics. The world would be a wonderful place... without God.
Ms. Garrison: You're the smartest man on earth, Dick. With me by your side, there's no stopping you.
Richard Dawkins: Oh, just let me see those beautiful breasts again.
Ms. Garrison: Oh, all right.
[she lowers the blanket and the breasts appear, with the implants not balanced]
Richard Dawkins: Oh yeah, baby! Oh!
[he shakes his head between the breasts, with the effect of a motorboat's engine revving up]
Ms. Garrison: [moans] Oh yeah! Aaahhh!
[Dawkins revs up again]
Richard Dawkins: Charmed to meet you.
Ms. Garrison: Shut up, faggot
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